The-Boy-Who-Lived-To-Mess-Up-The-Plot
by BlackPaperMoon82462
Summary: The memory of Tom Riddle gestured dramatically at the unconscious Ginger by his feet. "It's pointless to try to save her, you know. I'm stealing her magi-" "Don't care." "...What?" "Nope, she stole my favorite quill last week. She can fend for herself." Crack. No pairings.
1. In Which Gingers Have No Souls

**Quick explanation: each chapter will be a small scene from one of the books (usually the annual battle with Voldemort) that has been edited *cough*mangled*cough* a bit. None of the chapters will be related unless it blatantly says so, and the chapters will not be in any particular order.**

**Rating: T for swearing and other stuff that may not be suitable for children.**

**Warnings: nothing triggering, I think. Maybe one or two brief mentions of blood in the Goblet of Fire ones?**

**Disclaimer: if I wrote Harry Potter, one of these alternate scenes might have actually happened. Circe, that would have been bad.**

In Which Gingers Have No Souls

Harry walked into the Chamber of Secrets, staring around the room in awe. Or at least, Tom Riddle thought that expression was awe, but let's face it: he's not the best judge of emotion. Therefore, when the Boy-Who-Lived-To-Be-A-Parselmouth looked around and stated bluntly, "It smells like sewers down here," no one should have been surprised.

After recovering from being caught off guard by that statement, Tommy-boy pretended Harry hadn't spoken at all and gestured dramatically at the unconscious Ginger by his feet. "It's pointless to try to save her, you know. I'm stealing her magi-"

"Don't care."

"-c. Wait. What?"

"Nope, she stole my favorite quill last week. The bitch can fend for herself. I only came down here because Myrtle's a creepy stalker and I don't want to find out if it's possible to have half-ghost babies." And with that, The-Boy-Who-Should-Thank-Merlin-That-Ghosts-Can't-Touch-The-Living shuddered in horror before waving cheerfully and turning to go explore more of the tunnels.

The Riddler just waved back dazedly.

And so it was that Tom Riddle's diary sucked out all of Ginny's magic, but the girl didn't have enough magic in her to give Tommykins an actual, real body (obviously because gingers have no souls), so he was stuck moping in the Chamber like a loser, with only a batshit insane Basilisk for company. He eventually left the Chamber and personally handed the diary to a thoroughly bewildered Dumbledore.

Have _you_ ever tried playing wizard chess against a thousand-year-old snake? I thought not.


	2. In Which Wormtail is Useless

In Which Wormtail is Useless

Harry watched helplessly from his spot on the grave of Tom Riddle Sr. as Wormtail held one arm over the bubbling cauldron. The man raised his other arm, holding the silver knife tightly, and quickly brought it back down in order to chop off the other hand.

Unfortunately, Wormtail had looked away while he did this, as he didn't want to see all the blood and such. This was unfortunate because the stupid coward couldn't very well _aim_ while looking away like a squeamish little girl. As you can probably guess, he missed his arm (rather spectacularly, Harry would tell later) and instead hit the edge of the cauldron, resulting in him dropping the blade into said cauldron.

The failure of a Death Eater barely had time to whisper a terrified, "Oops," before the potion exploded, killing Wormtail, melting Lord What's-His-Face's current body, and somehow spontaneously combusting the statue holding Harry without harming the Boy-Who-Lived-To-Be-A-Lucky-Little-Bastard.

**Not very long, I know. But it was somewhat funny, right? Oh, and if anyone actually bothers to read author's notes, I've run into a bit of a problem; I have several chapters planned out for each book except for Half-Blood Prince and Deathly Hallows. If anyone has ideas for those, I'd love to hear them!**


	3. In Which Harry Discovers Playboy

In Which Harry Discovers Playboy

"What do you see, boy?" Quirrelmort demanded the Boy-Who-Lived-To-Be-A-Pain-In-The-Arse as he stepped up beside him to gaze into the mirror.

Harry ignored him in favor of staring, awestruck, at the reflection. The image was of him, surrounded by scantily clad women in what appeared to be bunny outfits.

And so it was that Harry discovered the joys of Playboy. James and Sirius would be proud.

After a while of Potter being distracted by Playboy Bunnies and being almost completely unresponsive to any of the ways Voldemort tried to get his attention (as he very well should be; one does not simply ignore the Bunnies), the Very-Dark-Grey-More-Like-Charcoal Lord (because 'Dark Lord' isn't descriptive enough, he had decided, and charcoal was much more sinister-sounding) just gave up and left.

Harry didn't notice. One of the Bunnies was feeding his mirror-self some grapes.

**Sorry it's so short. I promise they won't all be as short as this! Also, sorry if you don't like the Bunnies; they'll probably be mentioned a few times throughout the fic, but they won't be a central theme.**


	4. In Which The Authoress Is Pissed

In Which The Authoress Is Pissed

Please enjoy the following limerick:

There once was a guest on my fic,  
Who decided to be a huge dick.  
They left a review  
Which was racist and rude  
And quite frankly, it made me feel sick.

I would like to officially apologize to my lovely readers, but I received an anonymous review that needs addressing.

If you are the anonymous reviewer to whom I am referring, take note. I don't care about race, gender, sexuality, whatever. If someone is a bad person, they are a bad person, case closed. Genocide against white people in South Africa IS bad, but you know what else is equally bad? Genocide and enslavement of black people that happened throughout Europe and America. Do you know _why_ they are both bad and they should both never happen? Because PEOPLE ARE DYING. _PEOPLE_. I don't care if it's black on white, white on black, Asian on Mexican, whatever, IT'S ALL EQUALLY BAD.

THE WORLD DOESN'T NEED DICKBAGS LIKE YOU MAKING THE SITUATION EVEN MORE FUCKED UP THAN IT ALREADY IS, YOU NAIVE LITTLE SHIT. The world is changing whether you like it or not. If you can't deal with the fact that race doesn't matter (which has been a common, scientifically proven fact for _decades_), well, cry me a river you whiny little fuckstick.

**This has been a Public Service Announcement. Again, I apologize to the rest of the readers for making a whole chapter for this rant. I just spent my holiday break among my racist, sexist, homophobic family members and I am not going to deal with this on the internet too. I promise that the real chapter will be up in a few seconds.**


	5. In Which Harry is Generous

In Which Harry is Unexpectedly Generous

Two champions stared at the trophy at the center of the maze, then turned to stare at each other. Cedric and Harry stood there awkwardly, wondering who would get to win. The Puff Prince was about to suggest that Harry take the prize, as he wouldn't have been able to get there without the Gryffindor Golden Boy, when Harry shrugged and gestured for Cedric to take it.

"Meh, you can take it. I don't need the cash, or the eternal glory or whatever. I'm honestly just happy I'm alive and still somewhat sane after this crazy-ass tournament. Go ahead; I'm sure Hufflepuff house could use some fame and glory, even if you don't need the money either."

Cedric was about to argue, but then Harry had already started walking back into the maze. "I'm going to go blow stuff up until the time limit goes up. I'll say I got distracted by some glowy thing when I get asked. Or maybe a group of Bunnies... See ya around, Ced!"

* * *

**I feel bad about not updating for a while, ranting, and then giving you all such a short chapter, so happy New Year!**

Bonus: In Which Dumbledore Tries to Enjoy His Tea

Dumbledore sighed in relief as he stared out of one of Hogwarts' many windows. The year was almost over and there hadn't been a single Voldemort sighting. Even with the whole fiasco revolving around the three remaining Marauders, nothing irreplaceable had exploded and no Dark Marks had been seen floating in the sky, so Albus was counting it as a win. It was good to finally be able to relax without fearing that the Light's only hope would get randomly Avada Kedavra'd in one of Tom Riddle's ridiculously complicated plots while he wasn't looking.

The powerful Headmaster decided that it would be a perfect time to relax with a cup of tea and some lemon drops in order to celebrate another year gone by somewhat smoothly.

Of course, he spoke too soon.

The man who fought for the Greater Good had scarcely taken a sip of his tea when the loud voice of the Light's Savior drifted through the window from the courtyard below, and Albus found himself groaning as he heard what his favorite student was saying. "Hermione, Ron! Look what I found in the Room of Requirement! Be jealous of my new super cool tiara thing! It's kinda Ravenclaw-ish, but doesn't the blue go with my eyes? It keeps hissing at me and telling me to kill muggleborns, but I think I'd rather just play dress up with it!"

Dumbledore stubbornly refused to get up. By Merlin, he was going to finish his relaxing tea if it was the last thing he did!

Besides, how much trouble could a diadem possibly be?

**I know they didn't know about the Room of Requirement until Dobby showed them in fifth year, but whatevs. I think it'd be funny if Harry stumbled upon the diadem on accident. :3**


	6. In Which The Hat Is Horrified

In Which The Hat Is Horrified

Professor McGonagall always looked forward to the Sorting, no matter how many times she had seen it, but this year was special. This was the year that Harry Potter, the child of two of her favorite students, would be attending Hogwarts for his first year. She usually tried not to guess which students would be in her house, but she was hoping for the young Potter to be placed in Gryffindor.

The transfiguration teacher watched intently as the small, scruffy-looking child took a seat in the stool next to her, and gently placed the Sorting Hat on his head, the same way she had for every other student.

Of course, she was as surprised as anyone when, just like it had with the newest Malfoy, the Hat spoke almost as soon as it touched the child's head. The entire Hall froze in shock when they heard what the Hat said.

"_Merlin's beard_, NO!" And then it spoke no more, not even when Albus questioned it. It appeared to be having the equivalent of a mental breakdown.

Harry Potter just sat there on the stool, appearing to be a mix between wanting to laugh, groan, face-palm, and shrug as if to say, 'Oops.' All in all, if facial expressions could speak, his face would be saying in an exasperated tone, "_I should have known_."

**If anyone has ideas for new chapters, please tell them to me! I love getting suggestions from people, so don't hesitate. I especially need ideas for books 5, 6, and 7.**


	7. In Which Wizards Hate Muggle Music

**In honor of the current war between the Supernatural fandom (and every other fandom that has joined this noble crusade) and the Beliebers, I humbly present to you:**

In Which Wizards Hate Muggle Music

When Harry felt Voldemort enter his mind, he knew there was only one thing to do, no matter how risky it was. Knowing that he was utter shit at Occlumency, The-Boy-Who-Lived-To-Kiss-His-Sanity-Goodbye did the only thing he could do.

From wherever he was in Harry's mind, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Smelt's eardrums were abruptly assaulted by an ungodly noise.

_'And I was like, baby, baby, baby, oh! Baby, baby, baby, oh! I thought you'd always be mine, mine!'_

Dumbledore, who was kneeling worriedly beside a screaming Harry, muttered encouragingly, "Fight it Harry, you're strong, you can fight it!" Little did he know, it was not only Harry who was screaming in pain, but Voldemort as well.

"Argh, make it stop!"

If Harry was going down, he was taking Volde-kins with him.

**To the people who may enjoy Justin Bieber's music: I apologize if I offended you.**

**To the people who like Justin Bieber's personality and conduct: get the heck away from my fic, he's a bad dude.**


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